There are three things that cannot be easily hidden: The Sun, the Moon, and

the Truth.

 The following are 2 Simple Truths, 5 Rules of Life, and 3 Bonus Rules:

SIMPLE TRUTH 1:

Lovers help each other undress before sex.

However, after sex, they always dress on their own.

 Moral of the story -- In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2:

When a woman is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say,

"Congratulations." But none go up to the man, touch his penis and say

"Good Job."

 Moral of the story -- Hard work is rarely appreciated.

 FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:

1.   Money can't buy happiness - but it's far more comfortable to cry in a

Porsche than on a bicycle.

2.   Forgive your enemy - but remember the *******'s name.

3.   If you help someone when they're in trouble - they will remember you

when they're in trouble again.

 4. Alcohol does not solve any problems - but then, neither does milk.

 5. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

BONUS RULES:

1.   Condoms do not guarantee safe sex! A friend of mine was wearing one

when he was shot by the woman's husband.

2.   I think all politicians should wear uniforms. You know, like NASCAR

drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsors.

3.  Also, all politicians should serve only two terms -- one in office and

one in prison.