The Colonoscopy

Now I've been around the world a bit

I've had my share of strife

Yeah anyway you look at it

I've led a pretty varied life

I've faced my fears when duty called

cause I never quit you see

but if you want to see what fear is

just mention " Colonoscopy ".

See I did that test for bowel cancer

cause mate I aint no fool

and my doctor sent me to a surgeon

cause some blood showed in my stool.

Well I sat there in his surgery

and he seemed nice and kind

but I started squirming in my seat

when he mentioned my behind.

He said ,this tube is fitted with a little camera

there is not much for you to fear

I though mate you can bloody talk

its not going up your rear.

They gave me some instructions

at least that's what I think

and stuff called Pricopep in two clear bags

that I would have to drink.

The third bag it was larger

called Glycoprep to make you scour

you have to mix it up with water

and try drink it in an hour.

And I had to fast for near twelve hours

which would be a massive feat

cause there's not many things I'm good at

but mate I sure can bloody eat.

I had to wait till Sunday evening

so I got stuck into the beer

then pigged out on everything I could

as the cut off time drew near.

Low residue the diet said

I can tell ya I was pissed

I bloody nearly starved to death

cause there was nothing decent on the list.

But I began the day in earnest

now clear fluids are the go

I scanned the list for fourex gold

but it didn't get a show.

I took my first dose of Picoprep

about half past one or two

and within half a bloody hour

I was squatting on the loo.

Take my tip mate, when you drink it

get to the toilet bloody fast

they said it was a laxative

but it was like a nuclear blast.

A loose and watery bowel movement

that's what the packet said I think

Well I started spurting violently

and God mate oh what a stink

and that stuff that they called Glycoprep

thats supposed to make ya scour

it tastes a bit like camel spit

and its face contorting bloody sour.

I thought I must be empty now

cause my rear was overheating

I'm sure I pushed out heaps of stuff

I can't remember eating.

                                                                                                                           The next day at the hospital

I signed a heap of forms and more

I can't remember what they said

I was just thinking what's in store.

They took me to this cubicle

the nurse was so refined

then I put these paper pants on

that barely covered my behind.

They wheeled me into surgery

doctor and nurse were standing ready

they hooked this tube into my arm

I'm thinking steady, Bob mate steady.

The time had come no turning back

if your squeamish hold your lid

these are the exact explicit details

of exactly what they did.

Can't tell ya mate, cause I don't know

despite all my doom and gloom

I remember talking to them

then waking up back in me room.

They could have done just anything

the nurse patted on my hand.

Its over now she whispered

as I came back from Disneyland.

A cup of tea and bickies

with milk or even cream.

I don't get this at home ya know

its gotta be a dream.

They took a polyp from my colon

which they hooked out with a snare

and they gave me pictures of my bowel

and I can claim on Medicare.

Well that was it, all over

Pathology said the test was fine

what was I concerned about

I know my body is a shrine.

Yeah mate despite all the drama

my health check came out right.

It just gave me some peace of mind

to know that everything was right.

But now theyve sent me out this notice

which caused twitching in my rear.

Just to make sure there's no problems

I've get to do it all again next year.

Bob Pacey ©

Australian Bush Poetry With A Passion