A man asks a farmer near a field "Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train".
The farmer says "Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you'll even catch the 4:11 one".
My parents recently retired. Mum always wanted to learn to play the piano, so dad bought her a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it.
"Oh, we returned the piano" said My Dad "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet instead".
"How come?" I asked. "Because" he answered "with a clarinet, she can't sing".
A fellow was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.
They were even after the first few holes. The second chap said "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five dollars a hole?"
The first chap said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second chap won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
As they were walking off number eighteen, the second chap was busy counting his $80. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighbouring course and liked to pick on suckers.
The first fellow revealed that he was the local vicar. The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.
The vicar said "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings".
The pro said "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?" The vicar said "Well, you could come to Church on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll be happy to marry them".
My local golf shop is selling all its stock to stay in business. The putters, the drivers and the irons are all gone, but they are not out of the woods yet.
"If you win the lottery, the first thing I want you to get me is a face lift and a boob job" said my wife as I was checking my ticket.
"Well, actually, the first thing I would buy is a reconditioned engine and a respray for my 57 Morris Minor". I replied.
"Why would you waste your money tarting that old thing up? You might as well get yourself a new car". she said.
"My point exactly".
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I met a bloke in a wheelchair today, his face was battered and bruised
"What happened to your face?" I asked.
"I am a Paralympian" he replied
"Boxing?" I enquired.
"No..." he said ..." hurdles".
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A man asks a farmer near a field "Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train".
The farmer says "Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you'll even catch the 4:11 one".
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At my wife's labour, the nurse came up to me and my wife and said "How about Epidural Anaesthesia?"
I said "Thanks, but we've already picked a name".
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My parents recently retired. Mum always wanted to learn to play the piano, so dad bought her a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it.
"Oh, we returned the piano" said My Dad "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet instead".
"How come?" I asked. "Because" he answered "with a clarinet, she can't sing".
----------------------------------------------------------
A fellow was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.
They were even after the first few holes. The second chap said "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five dollars a hole?"
The first chap said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second chap won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
As they were walking off number eighteen, the second chap was busy counting his $80. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighbouring course and liked to pick on suckers.
The first fellow revealed that he was the local vicar. The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.
The vicar said "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings".
The pro said "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?" The vicar said "Well, you could come to Church on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll be happy to marry them".
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I went into a shop the other day and everything was on shelves way too high for anyone to reach. It was an inconvenience store.
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I bought a grenade today.
Things went horribly wrong when the cashier asked me for my PIN.
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Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds.
Theyve left no tern unstoned.
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Midwife for sale.
Can deliver.
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What do you call crystal clear urine?
1080pee.
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Ive just downloaded the Queen movie, Bohemian Rhapsody.
I think it was filmed in a cinema though, as I see a little silhouetto of a man.
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I got the words jacuzzi and yakuza confused.
Now Im in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
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Whats Russias favourite streaming platform?
Nyetflix.
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Pun enters a room, kills 10 people.
Pun in, 10 dead.
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Nothings better than being 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, or 97 years old.
Those are the years youre in your prime.
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Just got back from a job interview, where I was asked if can perform under pressure.
I said I wasnt too sure about that but I do a wicked Bohemian Rhapsody.
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What do you call a wandering caveman?
A Meanderthal.
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I broke two of my brotherss Queen records.
Now I want to break three.
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A bloke in Europe met a guy from Australia who works in IT.
He asked him, Do you come from a LAN down under?
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I relabelled all the jars in my wifes spice rack.
Im not in trouble yet but the thyme is cumin
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I should have known better than to flush my wooden shoes down the toilet.
Now its clogged.
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I took my new gun to the shooting range to try it out, but somehow it wont work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.
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How did the pharaoh get so rich?
He was running a huge pyramid scheme.
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My local golf shop is selling all its stock to stay in business. The putters, the drivers and the irons are all gone, but they are not out of the woods yet.
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