"Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the bottom half of the planet.
It is recognizable from orbit because of many unusual features,
including what at first looks like an enormous bite taken out of its southern edge;
a wall of sheer cliffs which plunge into the girting sea.
Geologists assure us that this is simply an accident of geomorphology,
but they still call it the "Great Australian Bight", proving that not only are they covering up a more frightening theory but they can't spell either.
The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the place.
Where other landmasses and sovereign lands are classified as continent, island or country,
Australia is considered all three. Typically, it is unique in this.
The second confusing thing about Australia is the animals.
They can be divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep.
It is true that of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet,
Australia has 9 of them.
Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most poisonous arachnids,
Australia has all of them.
However, there are few snakes, possibly because the spiders have killed them all.
But even the spiders won't go near the sea.
Any visitors should be careful to check inside boots (before putting them on),
under toilet seats (before sitting down) and generally everywhere else.
A stick is very useful for this task.
The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants.
A short history: Sometime around 40,000 years ago some people arrived in boats from the north.
They ate all the available food, and a lot of them died.
The ones who survived learned respect for the balance of nature,
man's proper place in the scheme of things, and spiders.
They settled in and spent a lot of the intervening time making up strange stories.
Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the north. More accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few deranged people in charge.
They tried to plant their crops in autumn (failing to take account of the reversal of the seasons),
ate all their food, and a lot of them died.
About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever since.
It is interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider themselves vastly superior to any other race
they encounter, since they can lie, cheat, steal and litigate (marks of a civilized culture they say),
whereas all the Aboriginals can do is happily survive being left in the middle of a vast red-hot desert,
equipped with a stick.
Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on 'extended holiday' and became Australians.
The changes are subtle, but deep, caused by the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet, where a person can sit perfectly still and look deep inside themselves to the core of their essence, their reasons for being,
and the necessity of checking inside their boots every morning for fatal surprises.
They also picked up the most finely tuned sense of irony in the world,
and the Aboriginal gift for making up stories.
Be warned.
There is also the matter of the beaches..
Australian beaches are simply the nicest and best in the world, although anyone actually venturing into the sea will have to contend with sharks, stinging jellyfish,
stonefish (a fish which sits on the bottom of the sea, pretends to be a rock
and has venomous barbs sticking out of its back that will kill just from the pain)
and surfboarders.
However, watching a beach sunset is worth the risk.
As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst and wombats, you would expect Australians to be a dour lot.
Instead, they are genial, jolly, cheerful and always willing to share a kind word with a stranger. Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible problems, they smile disarmingly and look for a stick.
Major engineering feats have been performed with sheets of corrugated iron, string and mud.
Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the 'Grass is greener on the other side of the fence' syndrome,
and roundly proclaim that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence. They call the land "Oz" or "Godzone" (a verbal contraction of "God's Own Country").
THE IRRITATING THING ABOUT THIS IS THEY MAY BE RIGHT.
TIPS TO SURVIVING AUSTRALIA
Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason WHATSOEVER.
The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you think it is.
Always carry a stick.
Air-conditioning is imperative.
Do not attempt to use Australian slang unless you are a trained linguist and extremely good in a fist fight.
Wear thick socks.
Take good maps.
Stopping to ask directions only works when there are people nearby
If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with you at all times, or you will die.
And don't forget a stick.
Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is always a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.
HOW TO IDENTIFY AUSTRALIANS
They waddle when they walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in their wallet or purse.
They pronounce Melbourne as "Mel-bin".
They think it makes perfect sense to decorate highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.
They think "Woolloomooloo" is a perfectly reasonable name for a place, that "Wagga Wagga" can be abbreviated to "Wagga", but "Woy Woy" can't be called "Woy".
Their hamburgers will contain beetroot. Apparently it's a must-have.
They don't think it's summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.
They believe that all train timetables are works of fiction. And they all carry a stick and say "have a good die mate ".
-- Edited by rockylizard on Tuesday 21st of November 2017 08:51:31 AM
Kebbin said
07:19 AM Nov 22, 2017
And only fanatical sports fans that want to be noticed at games yell "Aussie Aussie Aussie Oi Oi Oi" should have their Citzenship revoked, damn Mormons.
Desert Dweller said
04:13 PM Nov 22, 2017
Love it when the Yanks call Australia, Austria.
They wouldn't have a clue where we are & they're not at all interested.
The good old US of A is their whole world.
KJB said
04:56 PM Nov 22, 2017
And Australia's population,economy etc. is so minute, in world terms, that we are only a "blip on the screen " for the rest of the worlds peoples. We really do not rate no matter what we think.
Desert Dweller said
06:51 PM Nov 22, 2017
KJB wrote:
And Australia's population,economy etc. is so minute, in world terms, that we are only a "blip on the screen " for the rest of the worlds peoples. We really do not rate no matter what we think.
Same goes for our proud armed forces history, we were a minor country as far as numbers were concerned in the two world wars. Big for our little nation but on a worldwide scale pretty insignificant.
Pity our army reserve at the moment, they can't even afford real guns to play with. They use wooden ones.
Our air-force have to buy bombs to hit coalition targets from the Yanks.
We have to much to say for ourselves on a worldwide scale & nothing to back it up with. The Yanks reckon we're a pushover & they're right.
rockylizard said
07:31 PM Nov 22, 2017
Desert Dweller wrote:
Same goes for our proud armed forces history, we were a minor country as far as numbers were concerned in the two world wars. Big for our little nation but on a worldwide scale pretty insignificant.
Pity our army reserve at the moment, they can't even afford real guns to play with. They use wooden ones.
Our air-force have to buy bombs to hit coalition targets from the Yanks.
We have to much to say for ourselves on a worldwide scale & nothing to back it up with. The Yanks reckon we're a pushover & they're right.
Gday...
Interestingly, my last 10 years of that filthy four-letter word was in the Dept of Defence - RAAF civvie.
My role required me to represent RAAF Logistics Squadron twice yearly for the last five years at Dept of Defense bases all over the Yew Ess of Aye - liaising with USAF, Marines and Coast guard.
I do realise they might have jest been p!ssing in me pocket ... but those I interacted with who are serving members in their air services, held Straya personnel in very high regard, both in ability, training and reliability. Many were retired military personnel who had served with and fought alongside Strayan military and too were highly complimentary on the Strayan servicemen/women.
While we had nowhere near the numbers of "kit" as them, we were as up-to-date as they were and knew how to use it - and they knew it.
Jest sayin'
Cheers - John
Desert Dweller said
12:48 PM Nov 24, 2017
rockylizard wrote:
Desert Dweller wrote:
Same goes for our proud armed forces history, we were a minor country as far as numbers were concerned in the two world wars. Big for our little nation but on a worldwide scale pretty insignificant.
Pity our army reserve at the moment, they can't even afford real guns to play with. They use wooden ones.
Our air-force have to buy bombs to hit coalition targets from the Yanks.
We have to much to say for ourselves on a worldwide scale & nothing to back it up with. The Yanks reckon we're a pushover & they're right.
Gday...
Interestingly, my last 10 years of that filthy four-letter word was in the Dept of Defence - RAAF civvie.
My role required me to represent RAAF Logistics Squadron twice yearly for the last five years at Dept of Defense bases all over the Yew Ess of Aye - liaising with USAF, Marines and Coast guard.
I do realise they might have jest been p!ssing in me pocket ... but those I interacted with who are serving members in their air services, held Straya personnel in very high regard, both in ability, training and reliability. Many were retired military personnel who had served with and fought alongside Strayan military and too were highly complimentary on the Strayan servicemen/women.
While we had nowhere near the numbers of "kit" as them, we were as up-to-date as they were and knew how to use it - and they knew it.
Jest sayin'
Cheers - John
Probably as you say''pissing in your pocket''.
rockylizard said
02:26 PM Nov 24, 2017
Desert Dweller wrote:
Probably as you say''pissing in your pocket''.
Gday...
I hear ya DD ... but regular interaction over a period of five years ... GEEZ, either I am dumb or really gullible ... or they are good pocket pissers
"Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the bottom half of the planet.
It is recognizable from orbit because of many unusual features,
including what at first looks like an enormous bite taken out of its southern edge;
a wall of sheer cliffs which plunge into the girting sea.
Geologists assure us that this is simply an accident of geomorphology,
but they still call it the "Great Australian Bight", proving that not only are they covering up a more
frightening theory but they can't spell either.
The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the place.
Where other landmasses and sovereign lands are classified as continent, island or country,
Australia is considered all three.
Typically, it is unique in this.
The second confusing thing about Australia is the animals.
They can be divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep.
It is true that of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet,
Australia has 9 of them.
Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most poisonous arachnids,
Australia has all of them.
However, there are few snakes, possibly because the spiders have killed them all.
But even the spiders won't go near the sea.
Any visitors should be careful to check inside boots (before putting them on),
under toilet seats (before sitting down) and generally everywhere else.
A stick is very useful for this task.
The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants.
A short history: Sometime around 40,000 years ago some people arrived in boats from the north.
They ate all the available food, and a lot of them died.
The ones who survived learned respect for the balance of nature,
man's proper place in the scheme of things, and spiders.
They settled in and spent a lot of the intervening time making up strange stories.
Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the north.
More accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few deranged people in charge.
They tried to plant their crops in autumn (failing to take account of the reversal of the seasons),
ate all their food, and a lot of them died.
About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever since.
It is interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider themselves vastly superior to any other race
they encounter, since they can lie, cheat, steal and litigate (marks of a civilized culture they say),
whereas all the Aboriginals can do is happily survive being left in the middle of a vast red-hot desert,
equipped with a stick.
Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on 'extended holiday' and became Australians.
The changes are subtle, but deep, caused by the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet,
where a person can sit perfectly still and look deep inside themselves to the core of their essence, their reasons for being,
and the necessity of checking inside their boots every morning for fatal surprises.
They also picked up the most finely tuned sense of irony in the world,
and the Aboriginal gift for making up stories.
Be warned.
There is also the matter of the beaches..
Australian beaches are simply the nicest and best in the world, although anyone actually venturing
into the sea will have to contend with sharks, stinging jellyfish,
stonefish (a fish which sits on the bottom of the sea, pretends to be a rock
and has venomous barbs sticking out of its back that will kill just from the pain)
and surfboarders.
However, watching a beach sunset is worth the risk.
As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst and wombats, you would expect Australians to be a dour lot.
Instead, they are genial, jolly, cheerful and always willing to share a kind word with a stranger.
Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible problems, they smile disarmingly and look for a stick.
Major engineering feats have been performed with sheets of corrugated iron, string and mud.
Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the 'Grass is greener on the other side of the fence' syndrome,
and roundly proclaim that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence.
They call the land "Oz" or "Godzone" (a verbal contraction of "God's Own Country").
THE IRRITATING THING ABOUT THIS IS THEY MAY BE RIGHT.
TIPS TO SURVIVING AUSTRALIA
Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason WHATSOEVER.
The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you think it is.
Always carry a stick.
Air-conditioning is imperative.
Do not attempt to use Australian slang unless you are a trained linguist and extremely good in a fist fight.
Wear thick socks.
Take good maps.
Stopping to ask directions only works when there are people nearby
If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with you at all times, or you will die.
And don't forget a stick.
Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is always a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.
HOW TO IDENTIFY AUSTRALIANS
They waddle when they walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in their wallet or purse.
They pronounce Melbourne as "Mel-bin".
They think it makes perfect sense to decorate highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.
They think "Woolloomooloo" is a perfectly reasonable name for a place,
that "Wagga Wagga" can be abbreviated to "Wagga", but "Woy Woy" can't be called "Woy".
Their hamburgers will contain beetroot. Apparently it's a must-have.
They don't think it's summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.
They believe that all train timetables are works of fiction.
And they all carry a stick and say "have a good die mate ".
Thats pretty good eh.
Gday...
Yep ... always brings a smile to me dial when I read it again ...
It has been around for a while ... actually began in "The hitchhiker's guide to the Galaxy".
https://www.reddit.com/r/australia/comments/1b0ow0/australia_is_a_very_confusing_place_thoughts_on/
Cheers - John
-- Edited by rockylizard on Tuesday 21st of November 2017 08:51:31 AM
They wouldn't have a clue where we are & they're not at all interested.
The good old US of A is their whole world.
And Australia's population,economy etc. is so minute, in world terms, that we are only a "blip on the screen " for the rest of the worlds peoples. We really do not rate no matter what we think.
Same goes for our proud armed forces history, we were a minor country as far as numbers were concerned in the two world wars. Big for our little nation but on a worldwide scale pretty insignificant.
Pity our army reserve at the moment, they can't even afford real guns to play with. They use wooden ones.
Our air-force have to buy bombs to hit coalition targets from the Yanks.
We have to much to say for ourselves on a worldwide scale & nothing to back it up with. The Yanks reckon we're a pushover & they're right.
Gday...
Interestingly, my last 10 years of that filthy four-letter word
was in the Dept of Defence - RAAF civvie.
My role required me to represent RAAF Logistics Squadron twice yearly for the last five years at Dept of Defense bases all over the Yew Ess of Aye - liaising with USAF, Marines and Coast guard.
I do realise they might have jest been p!ssing in me pocket ... but those I interacted with who are serving members in their air services, held Straya personnel in very high regard, both in ability, training and reliability. Many were retired military personnel who had served with and fought alongside Strayan military and too were highly complimentary on the Strayan servicemen/women.
While we had nowhere near the numbers of "kit" as them, we were as up-to-date as they were and knew how to use it - and they knew it.
Jest sayin'
Cheers - John
Probably as you say''pissing in your pocket''.
Gday...
cheers - John