When you're over seventy who gives S#@t!!!!

I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business.

This fat chick came up behind me, grabbed my arse and said,  "You're kind of cute, you gotta a phone number?"

I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"

She said "Yeah, I got a pen".

I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you".

Cost me 6 stitches.

When you're over seventy . . . who gives a ****?

Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."

Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

Cowboy: "Nah.. She's purty good lookin'....."

When you're over seventy, who gives a ****

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.

She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

When you're over seventy, who gives a  ****

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.

"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"

I said,  "Yesterday."

When you're over seventy, who gives a ****

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

When you're over seventy, who gives a ****

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said, "Good legs."

The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"

I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

When you're over seventy, who gives a ****

Dougwe wrote:

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 I will second Dougwe's motion. loved it

ROMANCE

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek, and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth!"


DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTRE

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says "Close enough."


OLD FRIENDS

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had  shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said "How soon do you need to Know?"

SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang. Answering,  he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, " Vernon , I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on M25. Please be careful!" "Hell!" said Vernon , "It's not just one car. There's  hundreds of them!"

SUPERSEX

A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex!" She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at him, she said "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barelysee over the  dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad. The stop  light was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh s***! Am I driving?"

Spydermann wrote:

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Ken. That pic is just fantastic. I've sent it off to a few friends and they loved it. Says a lot about life in one simple phrase.

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And so true..... 

BG love the picture, it portrays someone living life in complete harmony and tranquillity, yes I can relate to it beautifully.....Kisha

In the process of packing the van and heading off north again. However this time the Mrs is sharing the driving. This advice is a warning to all because when she drives

I ride the bike and Rex takes it all in. If you know what I mean.  AlPal

But then some of us look a bit different at Seventy...

Oh, I don't know. I still look the same !!!

Big Gorilla wrote:

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Oh, I don't know. I still look the same !!!

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That's not the photo you sent me, or was it that hairy one with your hand on.....oh never mind!