The biggest lie I tell myself is ..."I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
 
  Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten
  minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!
 
  Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators.

We haven't met yet!
 
  I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!
 
  I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!
 
  Old age is coming at a really bad time!
 
  Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the
  courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!
 
  I don't have white  hair. I have "wisdom highlights". I'm just very wise.
 
  My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs
  work.
 
  Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.
 
  If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.
 
  The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no"
  which is shorter than "yes" .
 
  I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.
 
  When did it change from "We the people" to "screw the people" ?
 
  Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound!
 
  Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna
  transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
 
  Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
 
  Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?
 
  At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
 
  Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree ... that makes it a plant
  which means ... chocolate is Salad !!!
 
  And, of course Have I sent this to you already or did you send this to me?