I though it appropriate to reflect upon what Australia
really means, with the help of Douglas Adams, the author
of Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy
Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the bottom
half of the planet. It is recognizable from orbit because of many unusual
features, including what at first looks like an enormous bite taken out of its
southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which plunge into the girting sea.
Geologists assure us that this is simply an accident of geomorphology, but
they still call it the "Great Australian Bight", proving that not only are they
covering up a more frightening theory but they can't spell either.
The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the place.
Where other landmasses and sovereign lands are classified as continent,
island or country, Australia is considered all three. Typically, it is unique in
this.
The second confusing thing about Australia is the animals. They can be
divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep. It is true that of the
10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9 of them. Actually,
it would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most poisonous arachnids,
Australia has all of them. However, there are few snakes, possibly because
the spiders have killed them all.
But even the spiders won't go near the sea. Any visitors should be careful to
check inside boots (before putting them on), under toilet seats (before sitting
down) and generally everywhere else. A stick is very useful for this task.
The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants.
A short history: Sometime around 40,000 years ago some people arrived in
boats from the north. They ate all the available food, and a lot of them
died. The ones who survived learned respect for the balance of nature,
man's proper place in the scheme of things, and spiders. They settled in and
spent a lot of the intervening time making up strange stories.
Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the north. More accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few deranged people in
charge. They tried to plant their crops in autumn (failing to take account of the
reversal of the seasons), ate all their food, and a lot of them died.
About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever since. It is
interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider themselves
vastly superior to any other race they encounter, since they can lie, cheat,
steal and litigate (marks of a civilized culture they say), whereas all the
Aboriginals can do is happily survive being left in the middle of a vast red-hot
desert, equipped with a stick.
Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on 'extended
holiday' and became Australians. The changes are subtle, but deep, caused
by the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet, where a
person can sit perfectly still and look deep inside themselves to the core of
their essence, their reasons for being, and the necessity of checking inside
their boots every morning for fatal surprises. They also picked up the most
finely tuned sense of irony in the world, and the Aboriginal gift for making
up stories. Be warned.
There is also the matter of the beaches. Australian beaches are simply the
nicest and best in the world, although anyone actually venturing into the sea
will have to contend with sharks, stinging jellyfish, stonefish (a fish which sits
on the bottom of the sea, pretends to be a rock and has venomous barbs
sticking out of its back that will kill just from the pain) and surfboarders.
However, watching a beach sunset is worth the risk.
As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst and wombats, you would expect
Australians to be a dour lot. Instead, they are genial, jolly, cheerful and
always willing to share a kind word with a stranger. Faced with
insurmountable odds and impossible problems, they smile disarmingly and
look for a stick. Major engineering feats have been performed with sheets of
corrugated iron, string and mud.
Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the 'Grass is
greener on the other side of the fence' syndrome, and roundly proclaim
that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence. They call the land
"Oz" or "Godzone" (a verbal contraction of "God's Own Country"). The
irritating thing about this is they may be right.There are some traps for the unsuspecting traveller, though.
Do not, under any circumstances, suggest that the beer is imperfect, unless
you are comparing it to another kind of Australian beer.
Do not wear a Hawaiian shirt.
Religion and Politics are fairly safe topics of conversation (Australians don't
care too much about either) but Sport is a minefield.
The only correct answer to "So, howdya like our country, eh?" is "Best
(insert your own regional swear word here) country in the world!
It is very likely that, on arriving, some cheerful Australians will 'adopt' you
on your first night, and take you to a pub where Australian beer is served.
Despite the obvious danger, do not refuse. It is a form of initiation rite.
You will wake up late the next day with an astonishing hangover, a foul taste
in your mouth, and wearing strange clothes.
Your hosts will usually make sure you get home, and waive off any legal
difficulties with "It's his first time in Australia, so we took him to the pub,"
to which the policeman will sagely nod and close his notebook. Be sure to tell
the story of these events to every other Australian you encounter, adding
new embellishments at every stage and noting how strong the beer was.
Thus you will be accepted into this unique culture.
Typical Australian sayings:-
G'Day.
She'll be right, mate.
No Worries.
Tips to Surviving Australia:
Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason WHATSOEVER.
The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you think it
is.Always carry a stick.
Air-conditioning is imperative.
Do not attempt to use Australian slang unless you are a trained linguist and
extremely good in a fist fight.
Wear thick socks.
Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are
people nearby.
If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with you at all
times, or you will die.
Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is always a
core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.
How to identify Australians:
They waddle when they walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers
stuffed in their wallet or purse.
They pronounce Melbourne as "Mel-bin".
They think it makes perfect sense to decorate highways with large
fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.
They think "Woolloomooloo" is a perfectly reasonable name for a place, that
"Wagga Wagga" can be abbreviated to "Wagga" but "Woy Woy" can't be
called "Woy".
Their hamburgers will contain beetroot. Apparently its a must-have.
They dont think it's summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.
Will react in horror when companies try to market "Anzac cookies".
They believe that all train timetables are works of fiction.
Aussie Paul.
That's hilarious Paul, thanks for posting
Gday...
Great to be reminded again why we are the way we are
Cheers - John
I agree with Kendo, after reading that my sides are sore with laughing, and I have to conclude the answer is 42.
I though it appropriate to reflect upon what Australia
really means, with the help of Douglas Adams, the author
of Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy
Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the bottom
half of the planet. It is recognizable from orbit because of many unusual
features, including what at first looks like an enormous bite taken out of its
southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which plunge into the girting sea.
Geologists assure us that this is simply an accident of geomorphology, but
they still call it the "Great Australian Bight", proving that not only are they
covering up a more frightening theory but they can't spell either.
The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the place.
Where other landmasses and sovereign lands are classified as continent,
island or country, Australia is considered all three. Typically, it is unique in
this.
The second confusing thing about Australia is the animals. They can be
divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep. It is true that of the
10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9 of them. Actually,
it would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most poisonous arachnids,
Australia has all of them. However, there are few snakes, possibly because
the spiders have killed them all.
But even the spiders won't go near the sea. Any visitors should be careful to
check inside boots (before putting them on), under toilet seats (before sitting
down) and generally everywhere else. A stick is very useful for this task.
The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants.
A short history: Sometime around 40,000 years ago some people arrived in
boats from the north. They ate all the available food, and a lot of them
died. The ones who survived learned respect for the balance of nature,
man's proper place in the scheme of things, and spiders. They settled in and
spent a lot of the intervening time making up strange stories.
Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the north. More accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few deranged people in
charge. They tried to plant their crops in autumn (failing to take account of the
reversal of the seasons), ate all their food, and a lot of them died.
About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever since. It is
interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider themselves
vastly superior to any other race they encounter, since they can lie, cheat,
steal and litigate (marks of a civilized culture they say), whereas all the
Aboriginals can do is happily survive being left in the middle of a vast red-hot
desert, equipped with a stick.
Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on 'extended
holiday' and became Australians. The changes are subtle, but deep, caused
by the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet, where a
person can sit perfectly still and look deep inside themselves to the core of
their essence, their reasons for being, and the necessity of checking inside
their boots every morning for fatal surprises. They also picked up the most
finely tuned sense of irony in the world, and the Aboriginal gift for making
up stories. Be warned.
There is also the matter of the beaches. Australian beaches are simply the
nicest and best in the world, although anyone actually venturing into the sea
will have to contend with sharks, stinging jellyfish, stonefish (a fish which sits
on the bottom of the sea, pretends to be a rock and has venomous barbs
sticking out of its back that will kill just from the pain) and surfboarders.
However, watching a beach sunset is worth the risk.
As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst and wombats, you would expect
Australians to be a dour lot. Instead, they are genial, jolly, cheerful and
always willing to share a kind word with a stranger. Faced with
insurmountable odds and impossible problems, they smile disarmingly and
look for a stick. Major engineering feats have been performed with sheets of
corrugated iron, string and mud.
Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the 'Grass is
greener on the other side of the fence' syndrome, and roundly proclaim
that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence. They call the land
"Oz" or "Godzone" (a verbal contraction of "God's Own Country"). The
irritating thing about this is they may be right.There are some traps for the unsuspecting traveller, though.
Do not, under any circumstances, suggest that the beer is imperfect, unless
you are comparing it to another kind of Australian beer.
Do not wear a Hawaiian shirt.
Religion and Politics are fairly safe topics of conversation (Australians don't
care too much about either) but Sport is a minefield.
The only correct answer to "So, howdya like our country, eh?" is "Best
(insert your own regional swear word here) country in the world!
It is very likely that, on arriving, some cheerful Australians will 'adopt' you
on your first night, and take you to a pub where Australian beer is served.
Despite the obvious danger, do not refuse. It is a form of initiation rite.
You will wake up late the next day with an astonishing hangover, a foul taste
in your mouth, and wearing strange clothes.
Your hosts will usually make sure you get home, and waive off any legal
difficulties with "It's his first time in Australia, so we took him to the pub,"
to which the policeman will sagely nod and close his notebook. Be sure to tell
the story of these events to every other Australian you encounter, adding
new embellishments at every stage and noting how strong the beer was.
Thus you will be accepted into this unique culture.
Typical Australian sayings:-
G'Day.
She'll be right, mate.
No Worries.
Tips to Surviving Australia:
Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason WHATSOEVER.
The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you think it
is.Always carry a stick.
Air-conditioning is imperative.
Do not attempt to use Australian slang unless you are a trained linguist and
extremely good in a fist fight.
Wear thick socks.
Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are
people nearby.
If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with you at all
times, or you will die.
Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is always a
core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.
How to identify Australians:
They waddle when they walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers
stuffed in their wallet or purse.
They pronounce Melbourne as "Mel-bin".
They think it makes perfect sense to decorate highways with large
fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.
They think "Woolloomooloo" is a perfectly reasonable name for a place, that
"Wagga Wagga" can be abbreviated to "Wagga" but "Woy Woy" can't be
called "Woy".
Their hamburgers will contain beetroot. Apparently its a must-have.
They dont think it's summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.
Will react in horror when companies try to market "Anzac cookies".
They believe that all train timetables are works of fiction.
Aussie Paul.
That's hilarious Paul, thanks for posting
Mongrel
Gday...
Great to be reminded again why we are the way we are
Cheers - John
I agree with Kendo, after reading that my sides are sore with laughing, and I have to conclude the answer is 42.