When the white missionaries came to Africa, they had the Bible and we had the land. They said, 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them, we had the Bible and they had the land. ~ Desmond Tutu
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real, but the moon landing was faked. ~ David Letterman
I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit! I'm a billionaire. ~ Howard Hughes
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box. ~ Italian proverb
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years. ~ Betsy Salkind
The only reason that they say, 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats. ~ Jean Kerr
I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage. ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor
You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't. ~ Jeff Foxworthy
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. ~ Prince Philip
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing. ~ Emo Philips.
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself. ~ Harrison Ford
The best cure for sea sickness is to sit under a tree. ~ Spike Milligan
Lawyers believe that a man is innocent until proven broke. ~ Robin Hall
Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror. ~ Jean Rostand.
Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea. ~ W.H. Auden
In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked. ~ Jonathan Katz
If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead. ~ Johnny Carson
I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap. ~ Steve Martin
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is. ~ Jimmy Durante
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder. ~ John Glenn
If toast always lands butter-side down and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat? ~ Steven Wright
America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric. ~ Doug Hamwell
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone. ~ George Roberts
If God had intended us to fly, he would have made it easier to get to the airport. ~ Jonathan Winters
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchley
GaryKelly said
04:15 AM Feb 16, 2013
The best collection of quotes I've read. Thanks for posting. One time when Winston Churchill was in parliament, a woman member of the opposition gave him a hard time about being drunk. "And in the morning, madam, I shall be sober and you will still be ugly."
sandsmere said
01:59 PM Feb 16, 2013
A heckler once shouted at Gough Whitlam " Whaddaya gunna do about abortion ya mug ? "
Goughs reply " in your case I'll make it retrospective ."
Boothie said
05:53 AM Feb 17, 2013
The best one ever used in my presence was, "Where not here for a long time, but by god it has to be a bloody good time."
jimricho said
05:04 AM Feb 18, 2013
GaryKelly wrote:
The best collection of quotes I've read. Thanks for posting. One time when Winston Churchill was in parliament, a woman member of the opposition gave him a hard time about being drunk. "And in the morning, madam, I shall be sober and you will still be ugly."
I think it was Lady Astor who was on the receiving end of that barb, not much love lost there.
Another Churchill quote comes from 1947 after his government was defeated by the Clement Atlee Labour Party..... "Democracy is the worst system of government in the world with the exception of every other system of government".
NeilandRaine said
01:38 AM Feb 20, 2013
Does this fit here. Stupid question, excellent response!
For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an Australian. General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently. Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you have to love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. In a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL COSGROVE:! We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL COSGROVE:I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL COSGROVE:I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL COSGROVE:Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you? The radiocast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, this interview was over.
When the white missionaries came to Africa, they had the Bible and we had the land. They said, 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them, we had the Bible and they had the land.
~ Desmond Tutu
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real, but the moon landing was faked.
~ David Letterman
I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit! I'm a billionaire.
~ Howard Hughes
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
~ Italian proverb
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
~ Betsy Salkind
The only reason that they say, 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
~ Jean Kerr
I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor
You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
~ Jeff Foxworthy
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
~ Prince Philip
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
~ Emo Philips.
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
~ Harrison Ford
The best cure for sea sickness is to sit under a tree.
~ Spike Milligan
Lawyers believe that a man is innocent until proven broke.
~ Robin Hall
Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.
~ Jean Rostand.
Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
~ W.H. Auden
In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
~ Jonathan Katz
If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
~ Johnny Carson
I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.
~ Arthur C. Clarke
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
~ Steve Martin
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
~ Jimmy Durante
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
~ John Glenn
If toast always lands butter-side down and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat?
~ Steven Wright
America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
~ Doug Hamwell
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
~ George Roberts
If God had intended us to fly, he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
~ Jonathan Winters
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
~ Robert Benchley
A heckler once shouted at Gough Whitlam " Whaddaya gunna do about abortion ya mug ? "
Goughs reply " in your case I'll make it retrospective ."
The best one ever used in my presence was, "Where not here for a long time, but by god it has to be a bloody good time."
I think it was Lady Astor who was on the receiving end of that barb, not much love lost there.
Another Churchill quote comes from 1947 after his government was defeated by the Clement Atlee Labour Party..... "Democracy is the worst system of government in the world with the exception of every other system of government".
Stupid question, excellent response!
For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an Australian.
General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.
Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you have to love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. In a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL COSGROVE:!
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL COSGROVE:I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL COSGROVE:I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL COSGROVE:Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The radiocast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, this interview was over.