This came to me as a joke but I thought I'd add it to the Health & Wellbeing section....
At my recent assault trial, I offered a plea of "Guilty with an explanation." The judge asked me what my explanation was, so I told my story.
"Your Honor," I said, "I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was met with: 'Hi! I'm Belinda!' This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, 'All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?'
I'm thinking, 'Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science.' Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.
With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, 'Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?' 'Fine', I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt a zap!
Complete darkness and the power went off! 'Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag.' Belinda said, and headed for the door.
'Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?' I shouted.
Belinda kept going and said, 'Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back.' Before I could shout 'NOOOO!' she disappeared.
And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me....half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life, and the other part smashed between glass!
After exchanging a polite 'Hi, how's it going' type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.
Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible 'Uh, yes, yes I did thanks.'
'You bet, take care' Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, 'Oh I am sooo sorry!' The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?'
And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps....."
The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said 'Case Dismissed!!'
-- Edited by Beth54 on Sunday 19th of February 2012 12:16:47 PM
Travel Bug said
08:37 PM Feb 19, 2012
Love It!!!!
neilnruth said
05:26 AM Feb 20, 2012
Ouch! Very good!
jules47 said
07:39 AM Feb 20, 2012
Surely they can invent some other way to do our breast screens - the current system is so painful, i think just about every woman dreads going for theirs.
Brenda and Alan said
04:11 PM Feb 20, 2012
I must be one of the lucky ones - I've never had a problem. I get mine done at the mobile van at Seymour and the operator(or whatever you call her) was lovely. On the flip side I have a friend who has had painful mammogram and the operator was a right cow. Luck of the draw I suppose.
neilnruth said
05:01 AM Feb 21, 2012
I had it done in Newcastle a few years ago and they had anew machine which was nearly painless. I asked her was that it? Bring on those new machines everywhere please!
Beth54 said
05:22 AM Feb 21, 2012
I've had very gentle operators, but it's the squishing that hurts, no matter how gentle they are.
A cousin refuses to have Mamograms or Pap Smears. She reckons the squishing could cause problems. I've often wondered that myself, but I wouldn't be game to not have tests.
She's always been into Holistic Health and/or Natural Medicine, and is quite smug about it all. Thinks she's not going to get Cancer or anything.
Ma said
05:27 AM Feb 21, 2012
There is nothing wrong with a "natural" approach to health but it should be in conjunction with your GP.
It's people who virtually stick their head in the sand with your cousins type of approach that suffer the most when something like cancer does strike them.
I sincerely hope that nothing like that happens to her and that her approach gives her a long and happy life Beth.
Beth54 said
05:58 AM Feb 21, 2012
Ma wrote:
There is nothing wrong with a "natural" approach to health but it should be in conjunction with your GP.
It's people who virtually stick their head in the sand with your cousins type of approach that suffer the most when something like cancer does strike them.
I sincerely hope that nothing like that happens to her and that her approach gives her a long and happy life Beth.
Totally agree Ma.
She's not very well liked among the cousins because of her smugness, but I certainly wish her no harm.
Sadly, if she contracts something, she won't know until it's too late, because she won't have blood tests either.
I guess that's her choice. I hope for her sake that she's right.
Antique Pete said
03:19 PM Feb 22, 2012
It is not well known but men can get breast cancer too, I had a lump under my nipple a few years ago so I was sent off to get a mammogram. Only guy in in a waiting room full of women a bit embarrassing to say the least and the worst part was I could get my boob in the squashy machine. So I know how you girls feel Have not had the fickle finger of fate yet (prostate exam) but I think its coming soon AAAAGGHHH
Ma said
03:44 PM Feb 22, 2012
Pete, go and get that done NOW!!!!
If there happens to be an elevated PSA the sooner things are sorted out the better.
I know from experience with my late husband what putting these things off can result in.
PLEASE GO NOW!!!
Antique Pete said
02:53 AM Feb 23, 2012
Hi Ma I do get the blood tests done, and me and my doc are on first name basis (had him for 30 years) so i do trust him to not have both hands on my shoulders when doing the test and he will ring me the next morning LOL
Ma said
03:00 AM Feb 23, 2012
That is good Pete. I am glad. I just wish every male over 40 had a yearly PSA test instead of thinking they are bullet proof and "it can't happen to me" because I CAN and DOES.
Not all blokes are this way but I would hazzard a guess and say that it would be about 50/50
Antique Pete said
02:15 PM Feb 23, 2012
Ma, I belong to a shooting club we shoot every Wed and 70% of the guys all over 50 years old have had prostate problems, the good thing is they do talk about it and encourage others to get tested regularly
Ma said
03:35 PM Feb 23, 2012
Glad they are getting the word out there Pete and recommending the tests to their friends. Eventually we might get the message through to all the blokes. Let's hope so.
neilnruth said
05:12 AM Feb 24, 2012
Yes, my husband is on the prostate op/PSA roundabout and I've noticed that because he is not shy in talking about itall, others compare notes with him. All the best Pete. Glad you are keeping an eye on your 'mens health'.
Cruising Granny said
07:39 AM Feb 24, 2012
I'm glad blokes can talk about these health things now. Years ago, not that many years ago they wouldn't talk about it, and their wives couldn't discuss personal medical stuff either. What I want to know is, what of a man do they put between those squishy panes of glass? Or should that be pains of glass? I know from personal experience that when they start looking at my armpit for some contribution, it hurts when they squish. So where do they get enough meat on a bloke to squish?
Antique Pete said
03:22 PM Feb 24, 2012
Some of us average build 60+ Aussie guys do put on a bit of weight in the chest area enough to get in the squashy machine, I would not put any other part of my anatomy in that equipment it would make my eyes water too much
Ma said
04:22 PM Feb 24, 2012
Antique Pete wrote:
Some of us average build 60+ Aussie guys do put on a bit of weight in the chest area enough to get in the squashy machine, I would not put any other part of my anatomy in that equipment it would make my eyes water too much
Not to mention that you could come out with a squeaky voice Pete
Cruising Granny said
02:02 AM Feb 25, 2012
I'm still up in the chest region boys and girls. So, it's times like mammogram when "man boobs" come in handy. There had to be some good use for them. What about a skinny bloke without man boobs? Where do they get the flesh from to squish? OUCH!!!
neilnruth said
04:13 AM Feb 26, 2012
I just think it's all wrong....as we get older, men get man boobs and women get hairs on their chins!!
Cruising Granny said
05:08 AM Feb 26, 2012
And the boobs go south. Life's just plain cruel.
jetj said
01:50 AM May 10, 2012
Please do whatever you need to do to find all these cancers early. Yes men do get breast cancer and unfortunately so do lots of ladies in their 20s, 30s and 40s as well as the over 50s.
There is an Australian Breast Cancer Forum at www.bcaus.org.au for anyone who needs support from others with or who have had breast cancer.
jules47 said
03:37 PM May 10, 2012
Cruising Granny wrote:
And the boobs go south. Life's just plain cruel.
Dunno Chris - sometimes they go East and West!!
Muso said
04:01 AM May 11, 2012
This is a true story.
My mother (deceased now) was being referred for another mammogram and complained to her doctor about the pain one had to endure. HE responded with some remark like "a little bit of pain didn't hurt anyone", whereas mother replied with "how would you like to come with me and have your nuts tested first".
Brings a tear to the glass eye, it does!!!!
Beth54 said
10:15 PM May 11, 2012
Muso wrote:
This is a true story.
My mother (deceased now) was being referred for another mammogram and complained to her doctor about the pain one had to endure. HE responded with some remark like "a little bit of pain didn't hurt anyone", whereas mother replied with "how would you like to come with me and have your nuts tested first".
This came to me as a joke but I thought I'd add it to the Health & Wellbeing section....
At my recent assault trial, I offered a plea of "Guilty with an explanation." The judge asked me what my explanation was, so I told my story.
"Your Honor," I said, "I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept.
I was met with: 'Hi! I'm Belinda!' This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, 'All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?'
I'm thinking, 'Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science.' Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.
With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, 'Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?' 'Fine', I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt a zap!
Complete darkness and the power went off! 'Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag.' Belinda said, and headed for the door.
'Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?' I shouted.
Belinda kept going and said, 'Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back.' Before I could shout 'NOOOO!' she disappeared.
And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me....half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life, and the other part smashed between glass!
After exchanging a polite 'Hi, how's it going' type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.
Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible 'Uh, yes, yes I did thanks.'
'You bet, take care' Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, 'Oh I am sooo sorry!' The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?'
And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps....."
The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said 'Case Dismissed!!'
-- Edited by Beth54 on Sunday 19th of February 2012 12:16:47 PM
Love It!!!!
I've had very gentle operators, but it's the squishing that hurts, no matter how gentle they are.
A cousin refuses to have Mamograms or Pap Smears. She reckons the squishing could cause problems. I've often wondered that myself, but I wouldn't be game to not have tests.
She's always been into Holistic Health and/or Natural Medicine, and is quite smug about it all. Thinks she's not going to get Cancer or anything.
There is nothing wrong with a "natural" approach to health but it should be in conjunction with your GP.
It's people who virtually stick their head in the sand with your cousins type of approach that suffer the most when something like cancer does strike them.
I sincerely hope that nothing like that happens to her and that her approach gives her a long and happy life Beth.
Totally agree Ma.
She's not very well liked among the cousins because of her smugness, but I certainly wish her no harm.
Sadly, if she contracts something, she won't know until it's too late, because she won't have blood tests either.
I guess that's her choice. I hope for her sake that she's right.
Only guy in in a waiting room full of women a bit embarrassing to say the least and the worst part was I could get my boob in the squashy machine.
So I know how you girls feel
Have not had the fickle finger of fate yet (prostate exam) but I think its coming soon AAAAGGHHH
Pete, go and get that done NOW!!!!
If there happens to be an elevated PSA the sooner things are sorted out the better.
I know from experience with my late husband what putting these things off can result in.
PLEASE GO NOW!!!
Hi Ma I do get the blood tests done, and me and my doc are on first name basis (had him for 30 years) so i do trust him to not have both hands on my shoulders when doing the test
and he will ring me the next morning LOL
That is good Pete. I am glad. I just wish every male over 40 had a yearly PSA test instead of thinking they are bullet proof and "it can't happen to me" because I CAN and DOES.
Not all blokes are this way but I would hazzard a guess and say that it would be about 50/50
Ma, I belong to a shooting club we shoot every Wed and 70% of the guys all over 50 years old have had prostate problems, the good thing is they do talk about it and encourage others to get tested regularly
Glad they are getting the word out there Pete and recommending the tests to their friends. Eventually we might get the message through to all the blokes. Let's hope so.
What I want to know is, what of a man do they put between those squishy panes of glass? Or should that be pains of glass?
I know from personal experience that when they start looking at my armpit for some contribution, it hurts when they squish.
So where do they get enough meat on a bloke to squish?
Not to mention that you could come out with a squeaky voice Pete
There had to be some good use for them.
What about a skinny bloke without man boobs? Where do they get the flesh from to squish?
OUCH!!!
There is an Australian Breast Cancer Forum at www.bcaus.org.au for anyone who needs support from others with or who have had breast cancer.
Dunno Chris - sometimes they go East and West!!
This is a true story.
My mother (deceased now) was being referred for another mammogram and complained to her doctor about the pain one had to endure. HE responded with some remark like "a little bit of pain didn't hurt anyone", whereas mother replied with "how would you like to come with me and have your nuts tested first".
Brings a tear to the glass eye, it does!!!!
Not for me Muso!