Hi everyone, have recently caught up with a childhood friend, we were great little mates, over 46 years ago. We were both typical tomboys, climbing trees, terrorising the other kids, gutsy little kids, and we loved playing dress ups. She is one year younger than me, well when we first met up about 6 weeks ago, I got a real shock, she only weighs 43kgs, and drinks very very heavily, I mean plonko. She had a mental collapse last year, and left her job of 20 years. So Howie and I spoilt her and gave her heaps of stuff she needed.
Tinned food, repairs to her house, breadmaker, and mended some fences for her on her little property.
My question is it breaks my heart to see her in such a terrible condition, drinking at night until she collapses, she drinks so much she wakes up on the floor, she stuffed her computer because she spilt red wine over it.
Its like she is living in a perpetual fog. I always had my suspisions about her family life when I was little, and guess what I was right, she confided with me about the abuse she suffered. Now my little wise old owls, what can I do , without being intrusive to get her back on the path to sanity. Any ideas greatly appreciated.
Vic said
06:02 PM Oct 27, 2011
That's very sad Lynette,
Do you think she would go to a local chapter of AA if you offered to arrange it and go with her for support?
Lifeline or similar may be handy for her to contact about her child abuse, which is probably the root of her problems, perhaps seek some help from Beyond Blue or something.
I suppose it depends on whether she if prepared to accept advice/help, but AA would be a good start.
animalcarer said
06:13 PM Oct 27, 2011
Thanks Vic, I will have a good think over, I will have to tread carefully. I think the counselling might be the best start.
Happywanderer said
06:15 PM Oct 27, 2011
Thats a hard one Lyn. I have seen people like that but thankfully from afar. The trouble is some of them resent being offered help and can make your life a misery. Perhaps go to a counsellor yourself first and get some advice.
animalcarer said
06:16 PM Oct 27, 2011
good idea. Thanks for that.
pauline said
08:54 PM Oct 27, 2011
Who knows what is the right answer to that question, my personal opinion is "you can take a horse to water but you can't make them drink" as the saying goes, we all want to help if we can but you only have 1 heart and you could find it broken over and over and over again. As long as you are prepared for that to happen do what feels right to you.
Pauline
-- Edited by pauline on Thursday 27th of October 2011 08:55:08 PM
Sheba said
09:34 PM Oct 27, 2011
I can't offer any better advice than these guys have already given you Lynette, so I'll just say Good Luck, and I'll be thinking of you all.
Cheers,
Sheba.
Beth54 said
09:54 PM Oct 27, 2011
There are two such people in my circle, and it just breaks my heart to see it. One has chosen to go to AA after a particularly scary night. I'm very relieved but it's a long long road.
But they have to make that choice themselves. No-one can do it for them. From what I understand, the best you can do is go to Al Anon, which is a support group for the family and/or friends of the alcoholic.
Good luck!
-- Edited by Beth54 on Thursday 27th of October 2011 09:54:44 PM
Evie n Rhys said
10:29 PM Oct 27, 2011
What Beth says is absolutely right. Al anon is a good place to start for you because they can help you understand an alcoholic as much as anyone can. The sad thing is there is absolutely nothing you can do to start the ball rolling for her, it has to come from within. Just being there as support in whatever capacity you can manage is all you can do. Just be very careful that it does not impact on your life and relationships. If it does then sadly there comes a time when you have to bail out or go down with the ship. It is a very sad thing to watch but even harder to be a part of. I wish you every success. It is a very long hard road back for her. The fight will never end and every day is a challenge. You are a very kind friend, just Remember to take care of you too. Tess
jonathan said
11:08 PM Oct 27, 2011
.. as Tess says .. It will have to have her initiation to start .. A good thing I would suggest would be to find out who she has as her closest friends and bring them into the equation as all their support would also be needed.
It goes back to ones comfort zone again .. Once she agrees to do something about it, the best support is firstly from those that share closely with her .. and that support is reinforced with your own input as old friend but with a newly rekindled friendship. As many positives as possible must be shown her to give her the strength she needs ..
It would require a chat with her and all cards must be shown face-up on the table .. she must know everything that she is likely to experience, so reducing unknown factors from her thought processes ..
Then secondly, when she feels ready to start, the appropriate medical/health support will need to sit down with her and her support group to structure the process of healing ..
I wish you all well !
Jon
Elle on Wheels said
01:35 AM Oct 28, 2011
Hi Lynette
there are multiple issues here. The most obvious three are alcohol abuse, an eating disorder and the traumatic longterm effects of childhood sexual/emotional and other abuse which can have symptoms similar to post traumatic stress disorder.
People and life are always complex and it is important to respect people in the complexity of their situations. Bear in mind that your friend as a child would not have had the power or opportunity to disclose what she was going through. This will have impacted on her throughout her life. It is most likely that she has a history of abusive relationships thoughout her adult life and that time and time again she has had it violently reinforced that she is worthless.
Another thing to recognise is that childhood abuse is not an isolated experience. Chances are most people you know have experienced it.
So yes, she has an obvious alcohol problem and this is probably over riding other issues and does need specific intervention and counselling. But if she has talked about her childhood abuse to you then this needs to be acknowledged and acted on as well.
Sometimes all it takes is a friendly ear and the right sort of non-judgemental support to help convince a person in that situation that they are not worthless.
Alcohol and eating disorders are major big time hurdles. They need to be addressed specifically. But a start needs to be made somewhere and it could very well be that if she finds the right kind of support to deal with her child abuse issues then the the other issues will be easier to deal with.
I am really concerned about her weight - this is life threatening.
I would suggest finding a good counsellor quickly. Is there a womens health centre near you. They would be able to see her and assess her and refer to someone suitable and also look after her physical/medical needs as well.
It's great that you are around to support and that you care about her. This will be very important long term if she is able to access the right kind of help. There is no way you can overstate the importance of having someone around who cares.
animalcarer said
06:07 AM Oct 28, 2011
Taking everything on board Forum Family. Its been great being able to spill the beans , especially on topics that are challenging, cant think of the right expression, but a problem shared is a problem halved. You have all individually given sound advice. I always believe life isnt black and white, there is plenty of grey bits. Howard and I are very mindful of how when and what. I think it is in our nature to nuture people. I really really hate seeing people struggling their little hearts out. What causes people to excess there is often an underlying problem. I realise what pauline said you can lead a horse to water but you cant make them drink. The irony in that is she owns a horse. I am trying to see some humour in this because it is so awful. Thanks
Ma said
08:32 AM Oct 28, 2011
What a much better world this would be if we all had at least one friend like you Lynette.
Your friend is very fortunate in that regard.
I wish you and particularly her, all the best in a long road to recovery because recovery it will be with the determination, love and caring that you are showing to her.
Even if she refuses all help (which I sincerely hope she doesn't) you can take some comfort in the fact that you tried.
My hat goes off to you and Howard.
AmandaJayne said
05:26 PM Oct 30, 2011
You are in a very difficult situation there... if she wont listen to gentle reason your stuck! I think I mentioned I took in kids... most of them had problems.. I went to drs or councellors to talk situations over with them first to see what they had to say and went from there. My most difficult one was my own daughter... she was heading downhill and in trouble and I knew she needed help but she would not listen, and the drs told me she was over age so I had no power to do anything... till she tried to commit suicide and her sister took her to hospital.... only then could I do something, when she ripped out her iv's to try march out of the doors... because she tried to hurt herself she gave the power over to the dr in charge... I had to sign her over to a place for them to diagnoise and help her... but it was the watching her and not being able to do anything that really upset me and her dad. Now she is on the right treatment and has a family.. but I hate to think what could have happened. I must mention... if she had not ripped out her iv they would have released her and not done anything.... she had to ask for help.
My heart goes to you and your other half and wish you all the best in your efforts...
-- Edited by AmandaJayne on Sunday 30th of October 2011 05:28:06 PM
Gerty Dancer said
10:29 AM Nov 1, 2011
My first reaction to your problem with your friend was to say "Run!!!" It seems so heartless, and I hope that in difficult times ahead you dont wish that you had just run away from it all. Theres been some great advice here, I think your first stop should be to see a councellor. My very best wishes to you both, and to your friend.
animalcarer said
12:33 PM Nov 1, 2011
Going to visit her this saturday, guess what, she has had another fall.
Black eye, and cuts to her face, from being so drunk. So I think I might take the tough sister approach. Its a wonder she doesnt break any bones, i wish we would and end up in hospital to dry out. Oh she has injured her shoulder as well, so Howard and I are going out to give her a hand.
Have taken everything on board. Our friendship runs very very deep, I cant just run away from her. I love her dearly, and she me. I am having to cowbody up on this. Elle you are right the root of the problem is the trauma.
she has suffered. If I dont mention all your names, I am apologetic about that, but everyone has been so helpful and kind,
Elle on Wheels said
11:36 PM Nov 2, 2011
g'day have sent you a pm
Cruising Granny said
11:30 AM Nov 3, 2011
Your loyalty and kind heart are admirable, but I hope you don't get hurt physically and mentally as a result of your loving efforts to help your friend. She has be be receptive to your assistance. She has to be ready to get help and accept it. She's obviously been hiding in the bottle for a long time. It's easier than facing reality and the pain it causes. Your friend may have suffered physical and mental damage already, and this may even be affecting her balance. Be prepared for rejection, even abuse for your efforts. Be prepared for hurt. You and your husband will have to be strong together for her. Addictions are huge issues, and the obvious symptoms may not be all of it, and she may not be open to telling you all yet, or ever. Medical intervention is vital for immediate help so your friend's nutrition can be restored without the alcohol. Age may also be against her. It's always a very sad scenario, but the treatment is as complex as the problems which caused the disease of addiction. All the best to you. I hope your efforts are rewarded if only the smallest way.
Father Ted said
12:54 PM Nov 3, 2011
Lyn,you are a rare treasure of life.Keep a tight arm around your mates shoulder and keep on showing her love.To all the other Forumites may I thank you for the advice and suport you have shown.I have been touched by the kindness,love,and hope that you have given Lyn in her task.Thank you,marty.
animalcarer said
08:01 PM Nov 3, 2011
Going to see friend tomorrow, after Howard and I have done all our jobs.
Sheba said
08:44 PM Nov 3, 2011
Will be thinking of all three of you tomorrow Lyn.
Hi everyone, have recently caught up with a childhood friend, we were great little mates, over 46 years ago. We were both typical tomboys, climbing trees, terrorising the other kids, gutsy little kids, and we loved playing dress ups. She is one year younger than me, well when we first met up about 6 weeks ago, I got a real shock, she only weighs 43kgs, and drinks very very heavily, I mean plonko. She had a mental collapse last year, and left her job of 20 years. So Howie and I spoilt her and gave her heaps of stuff she needed.
Tinned food, repairs to her house, breadmaker, and mended some fences for her on her little property.
My question is it breaks my heart to see her in such a terrible condition, drinking at night until she collapses, she drinks so much she wakes up on the floor, she stuffed her computer because she spilt red wine over it.
Its like she is living in a perpetual fog. I always had my suspisions about her family life when I was little, and guess what I was right, she confided with me about the abuse she suffered. Now my little wise old owls, what can I do , without being intrusive to get her back on the path to sanity. Any ideas greatly appreciated.
Do you think she would go to a local chapter of AA if you offered to arrange it and go with her for support?
Lifeline or similar may be handy for her to contact about her child abuse, which is probably the root of her problems, perhaps seek some help from Beyond Blue or something.
I suppose it depends on whether she if prepared to accept advice/help, but AA would be a good start.
The trouble is some of them resent being offered help and can make your life a misery. Perhaps go to a counsellor yourself first and get some advice.
Who knows what is the right answer to that question, my personal opinion is "you can take a horse to water but you can't make them drink" as the saying goes, we all want to help if we can but you only have 1 heart and you could find it broken over and over and over again. As long as you are prepared for that to happen do what feels right to you.
Pauline
-- Edited by pauline on Thursday 27th of October 2011 08:55:08 PM
I can't offer any better advice than these guys have already given you Lynette, so I'll just say Good Luck, and I'll be thinking of you all.
Cheers,
Sheba.
There are two such people in my circle, and it just breaks my heart to see it. One has chosen to go to AA after a particularly scary night. I'm very relieved but it's a long long road.
But they have to make that choice themselves. No-one can do it for them. From what I understand, the best you can do is go to Al Anon, which is a support group for the family and/or friends of the alcoholic.
Good luck!
-- Edited by Beth54 on Thursday 27th of October 2011 09:54:44 PM
Tess
.. as Tess says .. It will have to have her initiation to start .. A good thing I would suggest would be to find out who she has as her closest friends and bring them into the equation as all their support would also be needed.
It goes back to ones comfort zone again .. Once she agrees to do something about it, the best support is firstly from those that share closely with her .. and that support is reinforced with your own input as old friend but with a newly rekindled friendship. As many positives as possible must be shown her to give her the strength she needs ..
It would require a chat with her and all cards must be shown face-up on the table .. she must know everything that she is likely to experience, so reducing unknown factors from her thought processes ..
Then secondly, when she feels ready to start, the appropriate medical/health support will need to sit down with her and her support group to structure the process of healing ..
I wish you all well !
Jon
there are multiple issues here. The most obvious three are alcohol abuse, an eating disorder and the traumatic longterm effects of childhood sexual/emotional and other abuse which can have symptoms similar to post traumatic stress disorder.
People and life are always complex and it is important to respect people in the complexity of their situations. Bear in mind that your friend as a child would not have had the power or opportunity to disclose what she was going through. This will have impacted on her throughout her life. It is most likely that she has a history of abusive relationships thoughout her adult life and that time and time again she has had it violently reinforced that she is worthless.
Another thing to recognise is that childhood abuse is not an isolated experience. Chances are most people you know have experienced it.
So yes, she has an obvious alcohol problem and this is probably over riding other issues and does need specific intervention and counselling. But if she has talked about her childhood abuse to you then this needs to be acknowledged and acted on as well.
Sometimes all it takes is a friendly ear and the right sort of non-judgemental support to help convince a person in that situation that they are not worthless.
Alcohol and eating disorders are major big time hurdles. They need to be addressed specifically. But a start needs to be made somewhere and it could very well be that if she finds the right kind of support to deal with her child abuse issues then the the other issues will be easier to deal with.
I am really concerned about her weight - this is life threatening.
I would suggest finding a good counsellor quickly. Is there a womens health centre near you. They would be able to see her and assess her and refer to someone suitable and also look after her physical/medical needs as well.
It's great that you are around to support and that you care about her. This will be very important long term if she is able to access the right kind of help. There is no way you can overstate the importance of having someone around who cares.
What a much better world this would be if we all had at least one friend like you Lynette.
Your friend is very fortunate in that regard.
I wish you and particularly her, all the best in a long road to recovery because recovery it will be with the determination, love and caring that you are showing to her.
Even if she refuses all help (which I sincerely hope she doesn't) you can take some comfort in the fact that you tried.
My hat goes off to you and Howard.
You are in a very difficult situation there... if she wont listen to gentle reason your stuck! I think I mentioned I took in kids... most of them had problems.. I went to drs or councellors to talk situations over with them first to see what they had to say and went from there. My most difficult one was my own daughter... she was heading downhill and in trouble and I knew she needed help but she would not listen, and the drs told me she was over age so I had no power to do anything... till she tried to commit suicide and her sister took her to hospital.... only then could I do something, when she ripped out her iv's to try march out of the doors... because she tried to hurt herself she gave the power over to the dr in charge... I had to sign her over to a place for them to diagnoise and help her... but it was the watching her and not being able to do anything that really upset me and her dad. Now she is on the right treatment and has a family.. but I hate to think what could have happened. I must mention... if she had not ripped out her iv they would have released her and not done anything.... she had to ask for help.
My heart goes to you and your other half and wish you all the best in your efforts...
-- Edited by AmandaJayne on Sunday 30th of October 2011 05:28:06 PM
Theres been some great advice here, I think your first stop should be to see a councellor.
My very best wishes to you both, and to your friend.
Going to visit her this saturday, guess what, she has had another fall.
Black eye, and cuts to her face, from being so drunk. So I think I might take the tough sister approach. Its a wonder she doesnt break any bones, i wish we would and end up in hospital to dry out. Oh she has injured her shoulder as well, so Howard and I are going out to give her a hand.
Have taken everything on board. Our friendship runs very very deep, I cant just run away from her. I love her dearly, and she me. I am having to cowbody up on this. Elle you are right the root of the problem is the trauma.
she has suffered. If I dont mention all your names, I am apologetic about that, but everyone has been so helpful and kind,
She has be be receptive to your assistance. She has to be ready to get help and accept it.
She's obviously been hiding in the bottle for a long time. It's easier than facing reality and the pain it causes.
Your friend may have suffered physical and mental damage already, and this may even be affecting her balance.
Be prepared for rejection, even abuse for your efforts. Be prepared for hurt.
You and your husband will have to be strong together for her.
Addictions are huge issues, and the obvious symptoms may not be all of it, and she may not be open to telling you all yet, or ever.
Medical intervention is vital for immediate help so your friend's nutrition can be restored without the alcohol.
Age may also be against her.
It's always a very sad scenario, but the treatment is as complex as the problems which caused the disease of addiction.
All the best to you. I hope your efforts are rewarded if only the smallest way.
Lyn,you are a rare treasure of life.Keep a tight arm around your mates shoulder and keep on showing her love.To all the other Forumites may I thank you for the advice and suport you have shown.I have been touched by the kindness,love,and hope that you have given Lyn in her task.Thank you,marty.
Going to see friend tomorrow, after Howard and I have done all our jobs.
Will be thinking of all three of you tomorrow Lyn.
Good Luck.
Cheers,
Sheba.