Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the  vet.

Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm  enough to me".

Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of
the bowl yet".

                                  ------------ --------- ---------

Paddy spies a letter lying on his
doormat.

It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".

Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to  figure out how to pick the Bloody
thing up.

                                ------------ --------- ---------

Paddy shouts frantically into the phone  "My wife is pregnant and her
Contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the
Doctor.

"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her
husband!"

                                  ------------ --------- ---------

Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk,  suddenly he has to swerve to
Avoid a tree, then another, then another.

A cop car pulls him over as he veers
about all over the road.

Paddy tells the cop about all the trees  in the road.

Cop says "For gods sake Paddy, that's
your air freshener swinging about!"

                                  ------------ --------- ---------

An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing
and he's inconsolable.

His wife says "Why don't you put an
advert in the paper?"

He does, but two weeks later the dog is  still missing.

"What did you put in the paper?" his wife  asks.

"Here boy" he replies.

                                  ------------ --------- ---------

Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell  and sees him hanging by his feet.

"What the hell you doing?" he asks.

"Hangin  meself" Paddy replies.

"It should be around your neck" says the  Guard.

"I tried dat" says Paddy "but I couldn't  breathe".



An American tourist asks an Irish dive
master:
"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the Irishman replies:  "If they
fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat."