Vale - Wendy Richard - if british humour offends then do't read
Basil Faulty said
10:56 AM Feb 27, 2009
Who you would all remember as the irrespresable Miss Brahms form "Are you being Served" passed away last night aged 65 from cancer....
Some memorable quotes from the show:
Mrs. Slocombe: [removes her gas mask] What about this fog! My pussy's been gasping all night. Mr. Humphries: And Mrs. Pea****. Just to let you know Miss Belfridge will be directly under Captain Pea****. Mr. Grainger: Mrs. Slocombe. I suggest you take your underwear down at once. Mr. Lucas: Same goes for Miss Brahms. [about a suggestion in the suggestion box] Captain Pea****: This one is unsigned, and suggests that you do something physically impossible with the suggestion box. Miss Brahms: Well if England's a such good country you've cracked it up to be. How come then we've got strikes & inflation. Mmm? So what's so good about England then? Captain Pea****: I shall tell you what is so good about England Miss Brahms. It is the only country in the world that isn't semi-detached. [referring to Miss Brahms's house] Captain Pea****: . Mr. Humphries: [deep voice] Menswear. [catchphrase] Mr. Humphries: I'm free. [repeated line] Captain Pea****: Are you free, Mr Humphries? Mr. Humphries: I'm free! [repeated line] Mr. Grainger: Don't worry if the sleeves are too long, you'll find they'll ride up with wear. [repeated line] Mrs. Slocombe: ...and I am unanimous in this! [repeated line] Young Mr. Grace: You've all done very well! Mr. Rumbold: Let's try to keep it light and gay. Mr. Lucas: [to Mr. Humphries] I'll handle the "light" part. [the nurse is coaching Old Mr. Grace on an electric bicycle] Mr. Grace's Nurse: I've got a surprise for you, Mr. Grace. You've been doing it on your own the last five minutes. Old Mr. Grace: You get used to that sort of thing at my time of life. [Captain Pea**** beckons to Mrs Slocombe] Mrs. Slocombe: Captain Pea****, I do not respond to any man's finger. Miss Brahms: I want some excitement, I want to do something with my life. I'm looking for Dallas and all I'm getting is Coronation Street. Mr. Humphries: You're lucky. All I'm getting is Jackanory. Mr. Humphries: Glass of water for Mr. Grainger. Mr. Lucas: Glass of water coming up. Mrs. Slocombe: You know, I always keep a couple of pound notes tucked away in me knickers, just for emergencies. Unfortunately, last week, I had an emergency. Mr. Humphries: Ooh, what happened? Mrs. Slocombe: The elastic broke and I dropped one in the Haymarket and it blew off down the street. Two seconds later, the other one followed it. Mr. Humphries: [discussing having to hang onto backs of buses and skateboard to Grace Brothers to save money] I had just bent down to tighten my nuts, and there was a double yellow line, see? And next thing I knew, there was policeman behind me. He put a sticker on my helmet and tried to clamp me. Mrs. Slocombe: [Mr. Humphries has just been sacked for being a "troublemaker"] I can't believe this is our last morning coffee together! Miss Brahms: Coffee? I thought this was tea. Mr. Bert Spooner: No, the tea's the one with the froth on top. Mrs. Slocombe: [into phone] Yes. [pause] Mrs. Slocombe: Yes. [pause] Mrs. Slocombe: I will. [hangs up phone] Mrs. Slocombe: Captain Pea****? Captain Pea****: Yes? Mrs. Slocombe: Apparently Miss Belfridge is in one of the fitting rooms, and Mr. Rumbold requires her in his office. Miss Brahms: She must have got in early! Mrs. Slocombe: She's no right to be there without my permission. Captain Pea****: Or mine. Get her out of there, Miss Brahms, I shall speak to her most severely about this. Miss Brahms: [walks to fitting room] Here! Captain Pea**** wants you out here, at the double. Miss Belfridge: [walks out in outfit that is barely more than a bra and pantyhose, with Captain Pea****'s eyes glued to her bust] You wanted to see me, Stephen? Captain Pea****: You should really ask for my permission to be on the floor, but I'll overlook it this time. Mrs. Slocombe: It's the only thing he has overlooked. Mrs. Slocombe: Captain Pea****! Captain Pea****! Captain Pea****: Mrs. Slocombe, you will return to your post. When I turn around, you will raise your arm. I will ask, "What is, Mrs. Slocombe?" You will ask me, "Are you free?" If I nod, you may then approach me. Mr. Beverley Harman: Ah, here's your instant coffee, sir. Mr. Rumbold: Why's it called instant coffee? Mr. Beverley Harman: Because there is only one instant at which it tastes like coffee. Captain Pea****: [walks up to the manageress] Did you notice that I was clicking my fingers, clearing my throat and banging my spoon on the table? Canteen Manageress: I did notice it, yeah. Captain Pea****: And what message do those actions convey to you? Canteen Manageress: Well, when my two-year-old does it, it usually means he needs to go to the potty. Captain Pea****: Your truculent behavior has not gone unnoticed and will be reported! Canteen Manageress: Good! That's what I hoped. Then perhaps the management will realise that sacking my waiting staff is more trouble than it's worth because I ain't serving. [pause] Canteen Manageress: You'll have to make do with a set menu. Captain Pea****: Well, then, may I ask you what is on this set menu, or are you not programmed to give an intelligent response? Mrs. Slocombe: Are you free, Captain Pea****? Captain Pea****: [looks about him] At the moment. Captain Pea****: [Knocking on Mr. Rumbold's door] We're all outside, sir. Mr. Rumbold: People who knock usually are!
dave06 said
11:49 AM Feb 27, 2009
the world is that little bit poorer for the passing of another small screen personality, no-one to replace the big one's, where are the good memorys to come from!!!
Some memorable quotes from the show:
Mrs. Slocombe: [removes her gas mask] What about this fog! My pussy's been gasping all night.
Mr. Humphries: And Mrs. Pea****. Just to let you know Miss Belfridge will be directly under Captain Pea****.
Mr. Grainger: Mrs. Slocombe. I suggest you take your underwear down at once.
Mr. Lucas: Same goes for Miss Brahms.
[about a suggestion in the suggestion box]
Captain Pea****: This one is unsigned, and suggests that you do something physically impossible with the suggestion box.
Miss Brahms: Well if England's a such good country you've cracked it up to be. How come then we've got strikes & inflation. Mmm? So what's so good about England then?
Captain Pea****: I shall tell you what is so good about England Miss Brahms. It is the only country in the world that isn't semi-detached.
[referring to Miss Brahms's house]
Captain Pea****: .
Mr. Humphries: [deep voice] Menswear.
[catchphrase]
Mr. Humphries: I'm free.
[repeated line]
Captain Pea****: Are you free, Mr Humphries?
Mr. Humphries: I'm free!
[repeated line]
Mr. Grainger: Don't worry if the sleeves are too long, you'll find they'll ride up with wear.
[repeated line]
Mrs. Slocombe: ...and I am unanimous in this!
[repeated line]
Young Mr. Grace: You've all done very well!
Mr. Rumbold: Let's try to keep it light and gay.
Mr. Lucas: [to Mr. Humphries] I'll handle the "light" part.
[the nurse is coaching Old Mr. Grace on an electric bicycle]
Mr. Grace's Nurse: I've got a surprise for you, Mr. Grace. You've been doing it on your own the last five minutes.
Old Mr. Grace: You get used to that sort of thing at my time of life.
[Captain Pea**** beckons to Mrs Slocombe]
Mrs. Slocombe: Captain Pea****, I do not respond to any man's finger.
Miss Brahms: I want some excitement, I want to do something with my life. I'm looking for Dallas and all I'm getting is Coronation Street.
Mr. Humphries: You're lucky. All I'm getting is Jackanory.
Mr. Humphries: Glass of water for Mr. Grainger.
Mr. Lucas: Glass of water coming up.
Mrs. Slocombe: You know, I always keep a couple of pound notes tucked away in me knickers, just for emergencies. Unfortunately, last week, I had an emergency.
Mr. Humphries: Ooh, what happened?
Mrs. Slocombe: The elastic broke and I dropped one in the Haymarket and it blew off down the street. Two seconds later, the other one followed it.
Mr. Humphries: [discussing having to hang onto backs of buses and skateboard to Grace Brothers to save money] I had just bent down to tighten my nuts, and there was a double yellow line, see? And next thing I knew, there was policeman behind me. He put a sticker on my helmet and tried to clamp me.
Mrs. Slocombe: [Mr. Humphries has just been sacked for being a "troublemaker"] I can't believe this is our last morning coffee together!
Miss Brahms: Coffee? I thought this was tea.
Mr. Bert Spooner: No, the tea's the one with the froth on top.
Mrs. Slocombe: [into phone] Yes.
[pause]
Mrs. Slocombe: Yes.
[pause]
Mrs. Slocombe: I will.
[hangs up phone]
Mrs. Slocombe: Captain Pea****?
Captain Pea****: Yes?
Mrs. Slocombe: Apparently Miss Belfridge is in one of the fitting rooms, and Mr. Rumbold requires her in his office.
Miss Brahms: She must have got in early!
Mrs. Slocombe: She's no right to be there without my permission.
Captain Pea****: Or mine. Get her out of there, Miss Brahms, I shall speak to her most severely about this.
Miss Brahms: [walks to fitting room] Here! Captain Pea**** wants you out here, at the double.
Miss Belfridge: [walks out in outfit that is barely more than a bra and pantyhose, with Captain Pea****'s eyes glued to her bust] You wanted to see me, Stephen?
Captain Pea****: You should really ask for my permission to be on the floor, but I'll overlook it this time.
Mrs. Slocombe: It's the only thing he has overlooked.
Mrs. Slocombe: Captain Pea****! Captain Pea****!
Captain Pea****: Mrs. Slocombe, you will return to your post. When I turn around, you will raise your arm. I will ask, "What is, Mrs. Slocombe?" You will ask me, "Are you free?" If I nod, you may then approach me.
Mr. Beverley Harman: Ah, here's your instant coffee, sir.
Mr. Rumbold: Why's it called instant coffee?
Mr. Beverley Harman: Because there is only one instant at which it tastes like coffee.
Captain Pea****: [walks up to the manageress] Did you notice that I was clicking my fingers, clearing my throat and banging my spoon on the table?
Canteen Manageress: I did notice it, yeah.
Captain Pea****: And what message do those actions convey to you?
Canteen Manageress: Well, when my two-year-old does it, it usually means he needs to go to the potty.
Captain Pea****: Your truculent behavior has not gone unnoticed and will be reported!
Canteen Manageress: Good! That's what I hoped. Then perhaps the management will realise that sacking my waiting staff is more trouble than it's worth because I ain't serving.
[pause]
Canteen Manageress: You'll have to make do with a set menu.
Captain Pea****: Well, then, may I ask you what is on this set menu, or are you not programmed to give an intelligent response?
Mrs. Slocombe: Are you free, Captain Pea****?
Captain Pea****: [looks about him] At the moment.
Captain Pea****: [Knocking on Mr. Rumbold's door] We're all outside, sir.
Mr. Rumbold: People who knock usually are!